What We Learned About Leading By Taking Ballroom Dance

“Are you going to push me around the dance floor again tonight?”

My husband’s question caught me off guard. When we started taking ballroom dance lessons, I was decidedly more comfortable with dancing. Bob was sure he would make a fool of himself at any moment. So, I decided I would “help” by subtly showing him how to do the steps. God used Bob’s question to wake me up. Not only did I “help” on the dance floor. I subversively “helped” at home as well.

What came out of this one brief conversation was a realization there was much we could learn from ballroom dance about marriage in general, but especially about the biblical principles of leading and following. From that moment, I watched and listened for the dance principles that could also improve marriages.

Leading

Principle 1: A good leader is confident.

On the dance floor, the best leaders were confident. They knew the steps and they had a plan for navigating the dance floor. But they didn’t automatically start that way. These men had studied the dance syllabus. They understood which steps took them forward, around a corner, or allowed them to wait. Then they practiced them. This enabled them to move forward without hesitating. The result was their partners trusted them and could relax and enjoy the dance.

Good leaders in marriage have also studied the syllabus. The Bible is the syllabus for the course in Christian marriage. Men who are serious about leading well have studied the “steps” and know what God is asking them to do. They understand the goals of a godly marriage. They have practiced living a godly life. This gives their partner confidence. Because she doesn’t have to keep watch to protect herself, she is able to relax and come alongside to help her husband.

Principle 2: A good leader is gentle.

You can spot the poor and inexperienced leaders on the dance floor. They “steer” their partners with their arms and maneuver them into the step. They think being more forceful will help them lead. It doesn’t. By contrast, the good leaders confidently but gently move forward into the step and their partner readily comes along with them. Because their movement is both sure and gentle, their partner feels what she is supposed to do and it is a pleasure for her to respond.

One gentleman in our class had been a linebacker for an NCAA Division I football team. He was big and he was strong—but he was also gentle. “Strong but gentle” is not an oxymoron. By contrast, another man was busy showing off what he thought he could do. He wound up wrenching shoulders and hurting backs and before long, no one wanted to dance with him.

A man who leads gently in marriage is patient. He waits for God to work in his life, his marriage, and his family. He is kind when disciplining his children. He doesn’t need to shove or exert his headship. He leads by example. His lead is gentle.

Principle 3: A good leader puts himself in his partner’s shoes and understands what he is asking her to do.

Dance instructors learn both the male and female parts. It enables them to understand the requirements and difficulties of each role. Playing the other’s part enables them to communicate more clearly and to empathize with what they are asking their partner to do.

It’s a good idea to switch roles with your partner from time to time. A husband who relieves his wife in the kitchen or watches the children so she can have an occasional weekend away will be better able to empathize with his wife’s need for adult fellowship, her frequent exhaustion, and what it means to be pulled in too many directions.

Why not invite your spouse to take a few ballroom dance lessons with you. See what you learn as a result. Last year, after presenting The Marriage Dance seminar at a church, some of the attendees decided to sign up for ballroom dance lessons as a group. We were thrilled with their report: “When we got on the dance floor, everything you said made so much sense!”

As you apply these principles, may God reward you with a beautiful, harmonious marriage dance.