Why Self-Protective Strategies Hurt Your Relationship

What are the messages you internalized early in life that interfere with your marriage and other relationships? What still influences the way you live your life today?

Allow me to take you on a brief backwards journey through my life to give you insight into how our past experiences can influence us today.

Recently, I read an article on the psychology of color. Because I knew Bob was rethinking his website, I thought I’d pass some of the information on to him. But – I perceive Bob as always being busy. Even though I thought the information would be helpful, I felt I shouldn’t take up too much of his time. I dog-eared a couple of pages, highlighted the key paragraphs, and read them quickly to him over breakfast.

As it turned out, Bob was interested. He had follow-up questions and poured over the content to make sure he understood it. Why had I resisted asking for his time on something that was meant to benefit him?

This has been the pattern of my life. Don’t ask for anything—not even someone’s time. I once catered a buffet style wedding reception for 300 people almost single-handedly – and I’m not a caterer! I put on fundraisers where I made the calls, created the agenda, and bought, cooked, and served the food. Why do I do this? Looking back on those events, I’m sure people would have volunteered to help if I’d asked. But I didn’t ask. Why?

I grew up in a family in which “no” was the answer of choice. A simple “no” to a simple childish request for popsicle or teenage request for a ride would have been easy to swallow. But the “no’s” were accompanied by complaints that made me feel my very request was a bother. It hurt. I guess I developed a strategy to prevent further hurt: Don’t ask for anything. Don’t ask anyone. Just do it yourself.

Sometimes the strategy of making a request as small as possible or not asking at all does not represent the best plan for the other party. It was not best for Bob that I tried to restrict him to the hyper-edited, highlighted version of color psychology. Subconsciously, that’s what I thought was best for me.

At the beginning of paragraph 2 of this post, I said I would take you on a “brief journey.” That’s me protecting myself again. I want to make sure I’m not imposing on you—even though you are choosing to read this. I’ll check the word-count before I hit “send” to assure myself that I’m not taking up too much of your time. These self-imposed actions put a clamp on relationships.

How are you protecting yourself while robbing your marriage of freedom in the process? What methods for self-protection have you erected which result in a wall between you and your spouse?

We serve an all wise, all loving God – a God of ”yes-es” for everything that’s best for us. (Romans 8:28) As He points out your self-protective devices, ask Him when and where they started. Then ask Him to help you get rid of them.