Part 2: Beware of Your Reactions to Pain
Last week’s post discussed the lies Satan tells us when we are in pain. The pain makes the lie believable. But how do those lies affect how we live our lives? More specifically, how do they affect our marriages?
In an attempt to protect ourselves from more pain, we begin living our lives in self-protection mode. Protecting ourselves from someone who threatens physical, emotional, social, or spiritual injury is appropriate as long as we are in danger. But after time elapses and we are no longer in immediate danger, we continue to protect ourselves so the injury will never happen again. We are on guard and on the defensive. The defense mechanisms remain and surface with those who don’t threaten or have any intent to harm—even our spouse.
Some Ways We Protect Ourselves
Emotional isolation: We shut down our emotions to avoid having them hurt again. “That was too painful. I’m not going to expose my heart to anyone again.” Of course, this results in you closing your heart to both pain and joy.
Control: We attempt to control the situations, conversations, and people around us. We meter how much information we give out and to whom. We prevent conversations from going in certain directions. We put a noose around our teenagers to make sure they don’t have an opportunity to repeat our mistakes. Controlling people tend to be suspicious and untrusting. “I don’t want my spouse to have an affair so I will double-check their every move.”
Hiding: We hide behind a book or a computer screen. We closely guard what we tell others about ourselves or what we are thinking. Women who have been molested may hide behind excess weight. “That was too painful. I will hide so this doesn’t happen again.”
Indulgence: This is a vain attempt to self-medicate the pain with food, drink, drugs, or a new toy to entertain us. “I don’t like the way I’m feeling. I think I’ll have a drink—or a Krispy Kreme—or go on a shopping spree …”
Perfectionism: This may be an attempt to avoid the pain of being criticized. There is a difference between wanting to do a good job and having to do a good job so you can avoid the pain of criticism. “I’m going to make sure I do a perfect job this time so I won’t be criticized again.” This includes making sure your children are perfect.
Notice that all of these are attempts at protecting ourselves from further pain. Could you identify with any of them? We don’t stop to ask God if He has another plan. In the process, we close ourselves off from those closest to us.
Our self-protective actions will never set us free. John 8:32 tells us: “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” If we want freedom, we must make the decision to pursue God’s truth and act on it.
God has an alternative: Take Him at His word. Believe God is good, that He loves us and will continue to act in our best interests. Do you believe this? If you truly believe this in your heart, your mindset and your actions will be very different than if you believe you must fend for yourself. Are you willing to ask God to show you His plan and to wait for His answer?
The pattern looks like this:
- The painful event happens.
- We interpret the event. Usually this includes the need to protect ourselves in some way.
- The interpretation may be wrong, right in some circumstances but not in others, right at that time but not later, or can ignore God’s presence or purposes in the event.
- We live our life based upon our interpretation of that event, which either consciously or subconsciously affects subsequent decisions.
Next week we’ll look at the specific consequences self-protection causes in your marriage.
