A husband wrote to us:
My wife is not a talker, especially about relationship things. We joke about it sometimes when we are picking out a movie. She likes mysteries or detective stories or action adventure. . . I actually like romantic comedies. When I want to watch one she rolls her eyes and says, “Is there a lot of talking?” I say, “Oh yes it’s horrible people get to know one another and connect on a deeper level.”
We don’t talk much about relational things. We talk a lot about the business side of our home and family…groceries meals paying bills taking our son to preschool and such. I spend time and energy making sure my wife is happy which means I don’t anger her. When she gets mad she does not yell or throw things, she just gets so quiet that you can hear a fly crawling on the wall of our neighbor’s kitchen.
Most of the time things are okay with us. When they are not we don’t talk about it. We just sort of get over it in a day or two.
I wish I could tell her some things I don’t like but I’m afraid this would only set her off. How could I start the conversation without it being a monologue?
Part 2: Roxann’s answer
First, pray and ask God to open your wife’s heart. When Bob has hurt my feelings, instead of my letting him have it, I ask God to have a talk with him. I find this works fabulously well. It’s usually not too long before he approaches me and says, “You know, I shouldn’t have said it that way.” Perhaps God will touch your wife’s heart and speak to her directly as well.
Second, make her safe in your company. Become a safe place for her to share when she is ready. I question WHY she doesn’t want to talk much. Maybe she’s just not a talker. That’s fair. Or, maybe she shares an experience similar to mine. In my home growing up, it wasn’t safe to share my thoughts or opinions. If I disagreed with Dad, I was wrong—or even bad. It was safer to keep my thoughts to myself. (I’m not recommending this method, mind you. It’s still something I work on getting past.) Perhaps your wife has found that talking and sharing herself can result in pain, and she’s holding back in order to protect herself from more pain. That’s why you have to make sure it is always safe to share with you. And, that’s where you can help.
Start practicing speaking to your wife’s heart.
Nudge her just a little with a question like, “Did you have a friend you talked to when you were younger?” Another question might be, “Did family members share their thoughts and opinions in your home?” or, “Did you feel you were listened to?” Listen carefully. Give her your full attention. Don’t pile on the questions; space them out over several days. Be sensitive to how far you can go, and don’t push.
One of the best ways Bob ever spoke to my heart was asking me every morning, “How can I love you better today?” He did this for a couple of months. Whatever I told him, he would really try to do. A similar idea would be to tell your wife, “I love you.” “I want more of you.” This does not force her to talk (much). It just positions you for when she wants to talk. She’ll know you love her and are really on her side.
We hope these responses helped. Thank you for the question.
