The Problem With Hidden Anger

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What: The Marriage Dance Conference: How to Get Rid of Your Relationship Blockers
When: September 24, 2016; 8 am – 4 pm
Where: Crosswinds Church, 29263 Ironwood Avenue, Moreno Valley, CA
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Do you ever get angry at your spouse?

When you read that question, what picture came to mind? Did you envision a couple yelling at each other at the top of their lungs? Did you picture one spouse stomping out the door or slamming a cabinet? Perhaps you even pictured a husband and wife engaged in a physical fight.

Ten years ago, if you had asked me about my relationship with Bob, I would have told you that I didn’t get mad at him. That was because we didn’t hit, yell, or throw things. However, as I’ve since learned, you don’t have to display anger outwardly to be mad.

Whether your anger is overt or kept under wraps, it still destroys your marriage. (Anger in any relationship will destroy it.) Think about what happens when you’re mad. You stop having pleasant, loving conversations with your spouse. You may “snipe” at them—that is, your conversation consists of short bursts of negativity. As with a “sniper,” you shoot at your mate from a concealed position. You put up walls to protect yourself from further hurt. You are no longer open to loving or being loved.

The problem with hidden anger is that it is easy to deny. You can sweep disagreements under the rug and hope they blow over in a few days. Problems do not get resolved and, in addition, the walls that protect your heart are a little thicker and a little taller than they were the last time around. Your spouse may not even know why what they did was so offensive. You have to talk it out. Nicely. Because this is your teammate and you have committed to love him or her and they have committed to love you.

There is only one way to resolve the problem. God tells us we must forgive. Each offense. Every time. Ephesians 4:32 says: “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Do you have the symptoms of hidden anger? Have you decided not to share openly with your spouse rather than open yourself to a negative response? Are you filling your time with activities that don’t include your spouse? Do your words communicate love and admiration or are they a barrage of mini-complaints?

Hidden anger can be resolved, but you must admit you have it, share your honest feelings with your spouse in a manner designed to help—not hurt, and then forgive from the heart.