As we wrote The Marriage Dance several friends asked, “What about my situation? I want to ‘dance.’ It’s my spouse who doesn’t.” They wanted to go out, but their spouse was content to stay at home. They wanted to talk. Their spouse wanted to watch TV. They were discouraged, to be sure.
Most looked for someone else to interact and have a relationship with—their kids or their friends. Others found an activity they could do by themselves. Some struck a compromise by entertaining themselves while remaining in close physical proximity to their non-relating spouse.
You simply can’t force someone to dance. You can push and you can shove and try to get them to move with you—but that’s not really a dance, is it?
Here are some suggestions you can try:
- Offer as much relationship as he or she is willing to accept. Your spouse may not be open to going to the church pot luck with you, but would they be willing for just the two of you try that new restaurant downtown? They may not want to take a major hike but how about walking the dog around the neighborhood with you? Start small. Test the waters and see what they are willing to do.
- Entice. You can invite, but your chances of success improve if you choose something that is enticing to your spouse. Ask him to watch a chick flick with you, and you’re dooming yourself to failure. Give him two tickets to the Lakers game for his birthday, and you may have a date. Ask your wife to go with you to the local sports bar for your anniversary, and you may meet with resistance. Come for her with a single red rose (think Richard Gere in Shall We Dance), and you will probably find an open heart.
- Learn to speak to your spouse’s heart. We believe heart-talk is the surest option for deep, long-lasting, and true success. If your spouse has shut down the relationship or if you think your relationship is running smoothly on the surface only, there is a reason. Speaking to your spouse’s heart may unearth roots that began growing long before you got married. Speak to that heart. Gently unlock the deepest rooms of his or her heart so that you will be allowed in.
- Pray for your spouse. Pray that God will expose any loneliness or pain. Pray that God will reveal the reason his or her heart is locked up so tightly. Pray for a new desire to “dance.” Is the problem an overt disobedience or hostility to God? Pray that He will lovingly bring him or her into compliance with His will. Has he shut his heart down? Is she wounded? Pray for the healing that only God has to offer.
Is it possible to have a beautiful relationship bloom out of isolation, separation, frustration, or even hostility? With God, there is always hope.
Our son-in-law Nate is a wonderful nature photographer. One day he went to Joshua Tree National Park, which is in the middle of a desert. Lots of rocks, not much vegetation—other than Joshua Trees. The park is famous for its huge red rock boulders. On this trip, he captured a picture of a spectacular bouquet of hot pink flowers growing out of the middle of some boulders. There was no soil, no water, no way of being fertilized. How could they possibly grow out of the rock? And yet, they did. Nate titled the photo, “Impossible Isn’t.”
If your marriage is struggling, if it’s boring, even if it’s soaring and you think it’s impossible that it could get any better—with God, it can. Impossible isn’t.
To learn more about speaking to your spouse’s heart, read The Marriage Dance (available on Amazon).
This article first appeared on The Marriage Dance on March 3, 2016.
