The four of us sat across the lunch table from each other at a local eatery. They were in our neck of the woods for their annual get-away. We’d been in each other’s weddings. Chris and Karen Crossan—two of God’s richest gifts to us. “What is it that made your marriage work so well all these years?” I asked.
Karen laughed. “I knew you had a question for us because you brought blank paper!” We’d known each other over 40 years.
Their lives had not been easy. Raising children in addition to their own four daughters meant they crowded into less-than-lush living accommodations—and saw it as a privilege. Dire health threats. Overseas missions where they walked straight toward danger. Even now, they work 11-hour days, minister at church, and still make sure they have time to bounce grandchildren on their knees.
“What is it that made your marriage work so well?” I ask again.
Karen started: “We have never been interested in going to work, coming home, and watching TV. It’s always been about ministering to people.” When the method of ministry or the life goal changes, they talk and pray it through. “Any change affects us both. We are one unit.” She smiles at us, “It’s kind of a ‘marriage dance.’”
Chris chimes in at this point: “One of the best things we did was we went to a marriage retreat early on. They told us to write down the five things we loved about our mate and the five things we’d change. We then shared them with each other and listened carefully. I wrote the five things Karen wished she could change about me in my day planner where I would be reminded to work on them. We never held each other accountable, we just worked on our own list. We made a ritual of doing this exercise every year around our wedding anniversary. And we found that over the years there have been fewer and fewer negatives.” They both laugh, “Some things don’t completely go away. Some things you just have to accept.”
They share the last story together. They’ve always had a weekly date. It started as a study break during their college years. “Two cups of herb tea and half a bran muffin each—because we were just poor students,” Karen says. “When our girls were small, we traded babysitting with another family so we could have a three-hour date each week.” As missionaries, they had more free time in the morning, so they had a breakfast date that included a candle and a cup of tea. And now, with their busy schedules, they still take time for a weekly date, a few minutes in the evening, and a 30-minute breakfast that still includes tea.
What makes a marriage work? We felt we got good tips as well as inspiration over lunch that day. A strong marriage involves two partners who are interdependent. These partners are wrapped around each other and intimately involved with each other in all of life’s decisions. They are rooting for each other’s goals and dreams. They are also rooting for their goals and dreams as a couple. One cannot separate the two. A good marriage means working on your personal weaknesses—and a loving spouse may be the best one to tell you what they are. And finally, time together is something to be cherished, fought for, and never skimped on.
