It is inevitable that you and your spouse will disagree and experience some degree of conflict. Some couples raise their voices. Their words take on a staccato rhythm. They may even say things they will regret. Until they resolve the problem, they will not be “moving together as one.”
Others appear much calmer—much quieter—when they disagree. They avoid the problem. They run from it. And the result is exactly the same: They are no longer “moving together as one.”
Take a look at these five scenarios and see if you are fighting even when there are no visible fisticuffs.
The Cold Shoulder
You don’t say much to each other. What you do say may be tinged with sarcasm. Your body language is closed —arms and legs crossed—not much eye contact. Definitely no hugs.
Avoiding the Real Subject
Or, you may talk—just not about the real subject of controversy. You are hurt that your spouse put you down in public or mad as can be about an expensive impulse purchase they made—again—but you say, “Can’t you ever close the cabinet doors?!”
Resisting
Maybe you resist. You don’t say, “No, I disagree and I don’t want to do it.” The project just never gets done. It doesn’t get prioritized. It never rises to the top of the list. In essence, you win the dispute because the other side defaults without intending to or realizing that is what’s happening.
Hiding
You may hide by working long hours or volunteering for projects that keep you away from home. When you get home, you say you’re tired and head straight for bed or the TV. You begin pulling away from the relationship.
Denial
Fight? What fight? I just don’t feel like talking right now and I need to go to the mall.
Even though you are not hitting, yelling, or throwing things, you are definitely not moving together as one. And isn’t that the goal?
Instead of avoiding the subject, resisting, hiding, or denying, try these more productive methods of resolving the dispute:
First, affirm your love for each other. Tell your spouse it is never your purpose to hurt them. Tell them you want to be on the same team and to move together as one.
Begin a conversation on the real subject. Start with prayer. Ask God to be present in your conversation. To help you treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated yourself. To give both of you gentle, loving words to use. To show you the log in your own eye before you point out the splinter in your spouse’s. To give you humility. Then, speak the truth in love.
Bob has spent many years resolving disputes. Join us again next week as he addresses the topic of resolving conflict through the eyes of a professional mediator.
