What are the new habits you would like to create in your marriage? Pray for (or preferably with) your spouse for 1 minute each day? Connect with your spouse by calling or texting mid-day just to let them know you’re thinking about them? End the day by thanking your spouse for something?
Last year, I was introduced to the Tiny Habits Method created by behavioral psychologist B.J. Fogg. His theory is as follows: In order to create a habit, you need three things:
Motivation: The smaller the change you are going to make, the less motivation you need. That’s why you want to think really small. You can expand the behavior later if you want to.
Ability to perform the behavior (My add: No matter what your spouse does).
A Trigger or Anchor: Perform the new behavior immediately after something you already do automatically—like taking your vitamins or brushing your teeth. The “anchor formula” is, “After I [your anchor], I will [new behavior].” A good anchor relates to the new behavior you want, both in theme and location. Make it easy to remember and do. For example: After I say grace for the evening meal, I will ask my wife how her day went.
I began asking myself how these principles could be used for creating new habits in marriage. What are the new behaviors I would like to create? Do I have the ability—by myself—to implement the behavior? What ingrained habit can I attach this to so I’ll remember to do it and form a new habit?
Here are some new habits you might want to create:
After I [anchor], I will kiss my wife.
After I [anchor], I will call or text my husband to let them know I was thinking of him.
After I [anchor], I will thank my spouse for something.
After I [anchor], I will give my spouse a hug.
After I [anchor], I will look my spouse in the eyes and ask how I can make them feel loved today.
After I [anchor], I will clean up my mess that annoys my spouse so much.
After I [anchor], I will ask my spouse what I can do to help them today.
After I reach for my device to open Facebook, I will stop and first [new habit].
After I reach for the remote control, I will stop and put one item away.
Each time you do your new behavior, BJ Fogg recommends celebrating. He says to tell yourself you’re awesome or do a little victory dance. Maybe you could thank God for reminding you and helping you improve your marriage!
