Just Ask

We had the pleasure of hearing Mark Gungor of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage recently. Mark is hilarious, but he also delivers real wisdom. The point that stood out to me this last time was that if women want something from their husbands, they need to ask.

Mark said that wives should ask. They should ask more than once. And the request should not include an insult like, “Can’t you pick up your clothes?” He went on to explain that, often, the wife is the more emotive partner. The more emotive partner tends to think the situation is clearer than the less emotive partner does. This really struck home!

A typical conversation at the Andersen house goes like this:
Bob: Are you ready to go yet?
Roxann: Yes.
Bob: Why didn’t you tell me you were ready?
Roxann: Bob, I’m standing in the doorway with my purse on my shoulder.
Bob: So, you didn’t ask me to get in the car because it was obvious?
Roxann: Yes.

Secondary conversation:
Bob: Don’t tell me you were waiting for me. I was waiting for you!
Roxann: Bob, I’ve been waiting for you for ten minutes.
Bob: Oh, no! You need to ask me to walk out the door when you’re ready. This is not as obvious as you think!

(And then he’s in a grumpy mood.)

Looking back at this pattern, I have to ask myself, “Why don’t I ask?” Because it is obvious—to me. Why don’t I ask when I see nothing is happening? Because I don’t want to be a nag. But Bob and Mark Gungor concur: —Men can become focused on other things. They may not even consciously hear your request—much less pick up on subtle clues. Bob says I should make sure I have his attention before I speak. It takes him a few seconds to redirect his mind to another subject. Not throwing in a gratuitous insult while making the request is just part of loving your spouse.

I’m not sure if we are the only weirdos or if your marriage would benefit from you asking, asking a second time if necessary, and asking nicely. We walked out of the Mark Gungor presentation with Bob feeling highly vindicated.