Twenty years ago, Bob and I sponsored a large college group at our church. Many in the group had grown up in families that experienced a lot of tension. Some were still carrying the burden of their parents’ divorce. As a result, they shied away from tension—any kind of tension OR perceived tension. This resulted in less-than-optimal consequences. We would ask if they were coming to the beach party on Saturday because we wanted to make sure we brought plenty of hot dogs for everybody. They didn’t want to offend us or create any tension, so they said they were. (Even though, if they had nicely told us they had other plans or they didn’t like sandy feet, we would not have been offended.) Fifty people would say they were coming and 13 would show up. How do you lead well when you can’t get an honest response because the other party is afraid of causing tension? We ate a lot of leftover hot dogs in those days.
Let me suggest that there are different kinds of tension, and some tension is good. If spouses are hitting, yelling, or throwing things—or, if one is giving the other the cold shoulder—that is bad tension. For the purpose of this post, I’m not talking about that kind of tension. I’m talking about good tension. In a relationship I would call it “cooperative tension.”
Picture a suspension bridge. The principles of tension and compression are what keep the bridge up. Get rid of the tension and the bridge will fall. The same is true of cathedral arches. Gravity and compression, exerting force on each other, cause a beautiful arch to stand. Eliminate either force and the arch is going down.
When I was in elementary school, my friend would come to my house and we’d go out on the lawn, face each other and hold hands. Then we’d lean back, pulling each other gently. From this position we could slide our feet apart-together-apart-together and spin really fast in a circle. It was great fun—but it only worked if we leaned back and allowed the tension. Without the tension, it simply doesn’t work. The same principle is at work when two ballroom dancers spin around each other as in a Viennese Waltz. Dancers understand that tension is a good and necessary element of dance and they help and cooperate with each other as partners by allowing that gentle, consistent, helpful, and productive tension.
Cooperative Tension In Your Marriage
We believe cooperative tension can and should exist in your marriage. This is not tension that results in a shoving match. It is tension which acknowledges that you and your spouse are teammates, that your desire is to help, that you want to move together as one.
What does cooperative tension look like in marriage? It is a wife offering her insights, cautions, and preferences in the decision-making process without being selfish or obstructionist. It is a husband signing on to a major expenditure his wife wants while proposing temporary cutbacks in other areas to safeguard the family budget. It is a gentle give and take—always with the central mission of remaining strong teammates.
We met a young man named Keith in one of our dance classes. He and his wife were beautiful together on the dance floor. I remember him telling us, “When I can feel my wife’s weight in my hand [as she leaned back and created tension], it helps me to lead better. That’s the picture: Two strong, competent, independent partners who have chosen to use their gifts to move together as one.
