“Some subjects are just too hard to talk about them. It seems better to sweep them under the rug.”
“We’re always so busy. I don’t know what we’d talk about if we ever went on a date. I feel like we don’t know each other anymore.”
“I try to talk him into going to a movie, or out with friends, or to a church activity with me. But he just wants to stay home. I guess this is as good as it is ever going to get.”
A salesman once told me, “You have to sell the nightmare and the dream.” We “sell” satisfying marriages. While the scenarios above aren’t really nightmares—I mean, things could be worse—they definitely aren’t dreams either. They are what I would call “lukewarm.”
For many Christian couples, their marriage is not a nightmare. They’re not trying to get out of it. They vowed to stay for the long haul, and they’re making good on their promise. But this is not the marriage they dreamed of either.
I wish I could give you the magic pill—the secret code—to make your marriage outstanding. I can only tell you these three tips and tell you I am confident they will make your marriage much better.
Make An Appeal
In her book Captivating, Stasi Eldridge tells the story of a time when her boys were small, she was running the household single-handed, and her author-speaker husband John Eldridge was rarely home. She was at her wit’s end trying to manage without him. She could have said, “You jerk! You’re having all the fun and dumping the work on me. Who needs you!” Instead, she made an appeal to him. Rather than, “I don’t need you,” she said the opposite: “John, I need you.” He responded by filming his conferences more and traveling less.
Not all spouses will respond positively. But the conversation needs to start with making an appeal.
Make Time
One weekend Grandma volunteered to watch our kiddos so Bob and I could get away. We reserved a rustic cabin north of Malibu and headed up the coast. We finally had time to talk—to connect with each other—but the car was strangely silent. I tried thinking of things we could talk about, but nothing came to mind. I panicked. For too long, I had been chasing toddlers and Bob had been working long hours, and now we didn’t know how to communicate with each other.
That had to change. It did change. The weekend away was a good start. We implemented weekly date nights and at least got to talk eyeball to eyeball once a week. The big change came when we allocated a short period each day to talk deeply. At first, we used some of the conversation starters which you can find in the appendices of The Marriage Dance: Moving Together as One, available on Amazon.
It may be difficult to find the time. Find it anyway. It may be awkward to connect at first. Work toward re-connecting anyway.
Trust God Even When It Seems Hopeless
Let me share one marriage nightmare story with you. A husband who was both rich and well thought of in the community was more focused on his own interests than his wife’s. Because of this, he actually gave his wife to another man. It would be bad enough to commit such a relationship deal-breaker once, but this guy was a repeat offender. You can read about it in Genesis 12 and Genesis 20. His name was Abraham.
I always wondered how his wife, Sarah, could tolerate him after such abominable behavior. I Peter 3:5 gave me the answer: Sarah trusted God. When I looked back at Genesis, it was God who got Sarah out of both situations.
Trusting God works in less egregious situations too. There are times when Bob doesn’t do things the way I prefer. (Full disclosure: I don’t always do things the way he prefers.) We usually start by getting the issue on the table and stating our preferences. But when we don’t get any action, we try asking God to speak to our spouse’s heart. Repeatedly, I have been amazed at how effectively God can communicate with Bob (and me). You might also try praying about it together.
Don’t settle for a lukewarm marriage. A great marriage takes work. These were huge steps forward for us. I believe they will be for you, too.
