“You’re not as clear as you think you are.”
Our team in the escape room.
How many times have I heard this from Bob! This is offensive to an English major. Knowing that he is wrong and I’m right, I tell him he needs to pay attention to antecedents and contextual clues, but this does not help him understand what I’m trying to communicate. Sometimes it helps to let someone outside the situation give you a different perspective.
Yesterday, we had the opportunity to participate in our son-in-law Jonathan’s “escape room.” It’s a game you do with friends. Six of us—in one room—working as a team to solve puzzles—to see if we could escape in under one hour. Jonathan watched our progress on camera from another room and supplied clues if requested. (We almost made it!)
Afterwards, Jonathan made some general comments about teams that had gone through before us. Participants know he is watching on the camera, but because they are not mindful of it, he gets an honest picture of their interactions. Sometimes participants choose to work on a particular puzzle with their spouse and sometimes with another team member.
Here is what he observes:
Clarity
When spouses work together, they make assumptions about what their partner should understand that they do not make when working with someone else. After all, you and your mate have shared many experiences. Your mate is supposed to know what you mean, right? When you work with someone else, you are more precise in your communication. You don’t have as many shared experiences with that other person, so you don’t assume they should understand. If the first explanation doesn’t work, you gladly try another.
Thoroughness
Part of the escape game is the time crunch. You are trying to beat the clock, so there is some stress. Again, when working with your spouse, you make certain assumptions. Because you want to save time, you are not as thorough in what you communicate to them. It’s a close relative to being clear. Especially when you are desperate for time, your spouse may need more information, but you don’t think you should have to give it. A non-spouse teammate gets the benefit of a more thorough explanation.
Patience
When someone doesn’t understand a clue or a sign in the escape room, a spouse may respond with an eye roll or a short, abrupt exhale. A non-spouse is met with more patience, more courtesy. The attitude is different, kinder.
Do these escape room interactions apply to your marriage? We suspect they do. When you are telling your spouse something and they don’t understand, what is your response? Are you willing to put it into different words or think of a different example that they are more likely to understand? Are you willing to stand still, look them in the eye, and take the time to give them a full explanation rather than an abbreviated version? And how would you describe your attitude during these interactions? Frustrated? Impatient? Or, just like Jesus would do it?
This week be gentler with your spouse. Treat them with the same consideration you give others.
