I remember talking to a wife. Her husband had hurt her deeply. He had done a number of things that were unjustifiable. She was angry and bitter—and I could understand why. She also did some things that you don’t find recommended in the Bible. But then, her husband did a major turnaround. He apologized both to God and to her. I could see him trying to make amends and beginning to fight for his family. But she held on to the bitterness and continued to be angry. In fact, she plotted how to get away from this husband who had hurt her.
Regulate your anger
I understand the hurt. I understand wanting to get out. But I also understand this is not God’s way. God tells us that even when we get angry, we can still regulate that anger. We don’t have to let it smolder: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV). I think the last phrase is a pretty heavy-duty warning—and one we don’t often think about while we’re mad: When we stay angry, we are giving the devil a foothold in our life.
Jesus’ famous parable in Matthew 18 emphasizes even more strongly the importance of forgiving. The slave whose master pardoned him of a debt so huge he could never repay it, demanded repayment of 100 denari (100 days’ wages) from his fellow slave. If someone owed me 100 days’ wages and didn’t pay it back, I’d be mad. Really mad! But this is the exact example Jesus says we should forgive. Seventy times seven, if necessary.
Forgive from the heart
Jesus also says in this passage that genuine forgiveness must be from the heart. You can’t just mumble, “I forgive you,” but keep processing the offense in your mind and storing it away as a weapon for the next argument. Jesus says we will be turned over to the torturers if we refuse to forgive from the heart. That’s heavy. And yet, don’t many of us refuse to release our spouse from the debt of his or her misdeeds?
Has your spouse hurt you deeply? Are you hanging on to bitterness in your heart? Have you even thought about leaving your marriage?
Seek the Bible’s wisdom
I came across two verses that are addressed to the nation of Israel, but the same principles hold true if we apply them to ourselves as individuals. II Chronicles 7:14 says that when we humble ourselves and pray, seek God, and turn from our wicked ways, God hears us and heals us. Jeremiah 33 talks about a God who takes joy in bringing health and healing and restoring fortunes. But we must do things His way.
I don’t know what the outcome will be for the wife who was hurt by her husband’s misdeeds. She might make the final break in their marriage. She thinks that will resolve her anger. It won’t. Maintaining a bitter, angry attitude toward someone, is like hooking yourself to them. The only way to regain freedom is to unhook the hook by forgiving. If she sincerely asks God to help her forgive her husband, He will. And with her forgiveness will come health, healing, and restoration.
