Would you like to know why some relationships last and some don’t? Why some are happy and others aren’t? Researchers John Gottman and Robert Levenson found kindness and generosity were the keys. Here are the terms the researchers used along with their synonyms: appreciation, kindness, generosity and respect. They went on to say that partners made each other feel valued, cared for, validated, understood and loved. They characterized couples who were not happy by contempt and criticism. Their partners felt worthless, invisible, and not valued.
Gottman and Levenson are secular researchers but I can’t help but hear them echoing the Apostle Paul’s admonition in Ephesians 5 that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands.
What the study does is amplify Paul’s advice for me. Do I look for things to thank Bob for or do I look for what I think he’s doing wrong? When Bob wants to connect with me by sharing a joy or even a random thought, how do I respond? Do I continue the conversation by asking a follow-up question or do I mumble something and keep reading my book?
Karen is one of my best friends. When I tell her something, she physically turns her body toward me and smiles. She expresses interest in what I’ve said. I always feel loved, respected, and valued when I am with her. She treats her husband exactly the same way. They will soon be celebrating 40 HAPPY years of marriage.
To improve your marriage—whatever your starting point—the Biblical advice is still best: You need to love and respect your mate.
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I believe God gives us the opportunity to chose. We either want to be committed or not. Relationships are NEVER perfect but we have the option to look at the bad things or embrace the good. I know that even happens with people who are not in relationships. So many times someone is judged based on what others see on the outside and they never realize there is a whole unique person on the inside worth getting to know before being judged. They chose to look at the bad instead of realizing we all have that and embrace and celebrate the good. Remember “God helps those that helps themselves” We can all help ourselves be happier if we see the positive good in someone more than we do the negative. Of course, no one should deal with abuse but there is also a way in that instance that one can no longer put up with it, but forgive in their heart and move. on.