Bob and I just came back from a 16-day car trip to the South. That’s two very different people—in a Toyota Corolla—for 16 days.
Bob is a history buff. He wanted to understand “the meta-narrative of the Civil War.” His choices of what to see: For Moultrie, the Museum of the Confederacy, and the battlefield at Cold Harbor. On the other hand, I’m into local color and culture. My top picks: The Great Smoky Mountains, a living history plantation, and the Grand Ole Opry.
How do you sync those two agendas to make sure you have a good time on vacation? My answer? DON’T! Instead, try an approach we used with our children years ago.
When our three girls were in 5th, 8th, and 9th grades, our family took a two-week camping vacation in the national parks. If you’re not familiar with this age range, it’s a time of self-focus. The goal was for each of the girls to have a good time and for mom and dad to remain sane.
When we pulled into each park, the friendly ranger presented us with a park newspaper that described the hikes, photo opps, ranger talks, and special events. Each family member went through the listings and selected and prioritized what he or she wanted to do. If someone wanted to sleep in or stay at the campsite and play Nertz or Taboo, they could put those options on their list. Then Dad took all the lists and created a schedule seeing how many of each person’s top options we could fit in.
Here’s the key: When it was somebody else’s turn to do what they had picked, YOU were responsible for making sure they had a good time. No whining or sad faces allowed! Just giving of yourself to make sure they had a good time. When it was your turn, they gave to make sure you had a good time.
This approach works in marriage, too. It works whether or not you are on vacation. Instead of figuring out how to get what you want and how to satisfy your own desires, put your mate and their desires first. Numerous times during our recent vacation we said to each other, “I want to make sure YOU get to do what YOU want to do.” For me, that meant getting to the Smokies a little later than planned so that Bob could learn about James Madison. But that courtesy was more than repaid by Bob taking me to the Grand Ole’ Opry not once, but twice. When I give love, I benefit myself and my marriage.
The secret of having a good time in your marriage is not grabbing—but giving.
