Ballroom dance has a concept called “tone and resistance.” As the man and woman face each other and join hands, each partner exerts a gentle pressure on the other’s hand, while keeping their own arm and torso strong and firm. The toned arm and the gentle resistance allow them to dance comfortably in each other’s arms without colliding.
Several years ago, Bob and I were taking a dance lesson and learning a new step. Each time we exited the turn, Bob was situated firmly on top of my foot. He wasn’t stepping on me on purpose, but this painful experience kept repeating itself. Finally, our teacher looked at me said, “You’re letting your arm collapse. You’re not maintaining your tone and resistance.”
We experienced a similar situation a few weeks ago, only this time we weren’t dancing. It was the height of the Christmas season. We were pushing hard to get our new workbook up on Amazon before the New Year. We were expecting four sets of guests in two weeks and the decorations were not up, the cookies were not baked, and the gifts weren’t purchased.
My 10-year-old computer chose this precise moment to completely crash with the workbook manuscript in it, and Bob’s computer also seemed like it was on its last legs. We had to replace both that week, along with transferring the data and programs.
In the midst of the chaos and confusion, Bob had an idea: Clean up the large, old desk I’d been hanging on to for years and move it into my office so I could have a new computer and a new desk. I needed a desk with more room and had been wanting to do this for years. His motives were good and noble. For me, the added pressure was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Looking back on that week, I didn’t maintain the tone and resistance in our relationship. I gave in too quickly instead of holding my position and giving Bob a clear understanding of why I was resisting his actions.
Let me clarify that “tone and resistance” is a gentle, cooperative tension—not a shoving match. The purpose is not for a husband to get his way or a wife to get her way. The goal is to enable two partners to move together more gracefully with neither partner getting stepped on.
Is there an area in your marriage where you feel stepped on? Maybe it’s time to gently add a little tone and resistance in order to allow you to move together as one.
Bob and Roxann’s new workbook The Marriage Dance: Practice the Steps is now available on Amazon. It is designed for use with small groups.
Photo credit: Amy Veen Frazier. Photo is of Travis and Symphony Runnells, owners of Dancing in Riverside.
