A husband wrote to us:
My wife is not a talker, especially about relationship things. We joke about it sometimes when we are picking out a movie. She likes mysteries or detective stories or action adventure. . . I actually like romantic comedies. When I want to watch one, she rolls her eyes and says, “Is there a lot of talking?” I say, “Oh yes, it’s horrible. People get to know one another and connect on a deeper level.”
We don’t talk much about relational things. We talk a lot about the business side of our home and family. . . groceries, meals, paying bills, taking our son to preschool, and such. I spend time and energy making sure my wife is happy, which means I don’t anger her. When she gets mad, she does not yell or throw things. She just gets so quiet that you can hear a fly crawling on the wall of our neighbor’s kitchen.
Most of the time, things are okay with us. When they are not, we don’t talk about it. We just sort of get over it in a day or two.
I wish I could tell her some things I don’t like, but I’m afraid this would only set her off. How could I start the conversation without it being a monologue?
We love real-life questions like this, and so we prayed and had a brainstorming session. If you follow our blog, you may have already guessed that we came at this from completely different angles. That’s okay. This week we will start by posting Bob thoughts, and next week, Roxann’s.
Part 1: Bob’s answer
It sounds as though you are tiptoeing around your wife to make sure she doesn’t get mad. Anger is not a primary emotion. It is usually reflects a primary emotion of bitterness, fear, or frustration. Can you figure out which one is triggering the anger? If your wife is willing to work through this with you, she may already know where the problem started. Most likely, she’s not really angry at you. You are probably reminding her of something that hurt her deeply in the past, and she still reacts to it. What is it? If she is willing to work through it with you, you can both start by asking God to show you. If she is not, you can still ask God by yourself.
It is important to remember that it takes two people to dance.
You cannot force someone to dance. You can only invite them. In the same way, you can’t force your wife to explore the pain that is triggering the reactions if she doesn’t want to go there. Go only as far as she is willing. Usually, a woman wants the deeper connection, and the man resists. You have a less common scenario. But you might appreciate how so many women feel.
In the meantime, learn to speak to your wife’s heart. (see The Marriage Dance, Chapter 4). In your case, this may not involve words. As Gary Chapman points out, gifts or acts of service or touch or just spending time together may speak to her heart more than words. As she learns to trust you more deeply, then you will be allowed further into the problem.
You seem to have a good sense of humor. Use it to work in your favor. When you sense anger, point it out gently with humor. “Was that anger I just heard or was my mind deceiving me?” Entice her to desire to be free of the anger. Point it out gently so that she sees it. Let her know you will pray with her or do whatever it takes to get her free of the underlying cause.
Pray for the time in which she is willing to address her anger issue. When that time comes, the two of you can sit down together and ask God to identify the common emotion between the current situation and the underlying problem. You can ask God, “Where did this feeling come from?” or, “When did I first feel this way?” What was her reaction to the pain? Was shutting down and not talking her solution to the pain? She needs to resolve the problem in the way that God wants her to resolve it. So often, we figure out what we want to do and do that. We need to follow God’s solution. If she is willing, she will need to ask God to help her change her thinking. But try to identify the lie that she is believing that she thinks is true. The difficult part is to identify the lie she believes and then get freedom from that lie. So, first identify the lie and then ask God for freedom. Continue to build trust so that she can share anything she wants with you, and she doesn’t regret sharing it.
We hope this helps and that you will write again and let us know what happened.
