I read Mark Oelze’s blog post on How to Start that Difficult Conversation. It is definitely worth reading.
His summary of how to have a difficult conversation is as follows:
- What others feel is important.
- HOW you bring up a concern is critical.
- Don’t assume you know their response.
- Talk about what you felt when an event occurred, NOT how the other person “made you feel!”
- Pray
He ends by asking what he has missed. As a mediator, I try to find resolution to many difficult conversations. Here are a few more thoughts to resolve the conversation.
Watch and listen for the clues.
What is your spouse saying? Listen to his or her words. Is there anything unusual or different in their wording? For example, if your spouse tells you something is unacceptable (offensive), that would be different than if they told you it was inconsistent (not in alignment with your purpose). This also gives you a hint into their underlying emotions.
Take the question, “What did you have in mind?” Watch their body language. Are they leaning forward and standing tall or are they slumped over? Are their arms and legs crossed?
Listen to their tone. Is it curious, or are they saying, “Oh no! What now!”
If you are preparing your response before you’ve analyzed their message, you may have missed the message.
You might think you know what they’re saying, but do you really? You probably know clarity is important, but don’t realize how often clarity is a problem.
Explain your position with a story.
If you can explain your position by using a story, it will help your spouse understand where you are coming from. This will give your partner some context and help them see why the subject is important to you. Also, using your own story shouldn’t ignite an unwanted emotional response. My dad thought it was fun to learn to say “hurry up” in as many languages as possible. That should help you understand why I grew up feeling an enormous amount of time pressure. Consequently, I do not like it when Roxann uses 2,500 coupons at the grocery checkout line with 25 people waiting in line behind us. Okay, maybe I’m still having an emotional reaction. (Did you note my choice of words and how they help you understand my emotions? ) The telling of my own story gives Roxann context and understanding and prevents her from having an emotional reaction of her own.
Prepare for an emotional response.
Oelze does a good job of preparing for the emotional response. Keeping the emotions in check usually solves 90% of the problem. But you still have to come to a resolution of the problem, so be sure to recommend a solution. Be clear in expressing what you want, but be adaptable in meeting both spouses’ needs. It is a good idea to think of alternative solutions. If Roxann’s couponing makes me nervous, maybe I shouldn’t go shopping with her. But if I must go shopping with her, perhaps I can do something else while she is checking out or we can find a store with an electronic scanner for the coupons.
Mark Oelze does a good job of preparing you for a difficult discussion. Hopefully these points will help you arrive at a successful resolution as well.
