The Lion In The Room
A lion walks into your living room. What do you do? Do you prepare to fight it? Do you flee the scene? Or do you freeze in fright? What is your reaction? If a lion bounded into your living room, your emotions would be overwhelmed. You wouldn’t be able to think clearly. You would be forced to resort to fighting, fleeing, or freezing. These are the only choices your brain gives you.
Now think back to the time you had your worst conflict with your mate. How did you react then? Did you want to fight? Did you stomp out of the house or sullenly hide behind the computer for days? Or did you freeze—your mind going blank and your eyes like a deer caught in the headlights? These are the usual human responses when dealing with a volatile or dangerous situation. But none of these responses solves the problem with your mate.
Relationships In Conflict
I’m a professional mediator. I witness people who are in severe conflict in the middle of a lawsuit and try to help them resolve their disputes. For example, a mom has a serious illness and six months before she dies, she re-writes her will. The siblings disagree as to whether the new will is valid. Everyone is highly opinionated and emotional. The oldest brother is ready to punch his younger brother. One sister can’t even come into the room and look her brother in the eye. The youngest sister keeps repeating the same thing over and over because she has no idea what to do.
Even if you can’t relate to this situation, can you relate to the extreme emotions that are present? Do you have situations where your emotions overwhelm your ability to think clearly? Your husband tells you he’s had an affair. You find a bill for your wife’s secret credit cards with a balance of $20,000. Your teenage daughter tells you she’s pregnant. What should you do when this happens to you?
These situations are extreme. Your brain has no choice. In marriage, you have a range of important topics which have a range of emotional responses. In all those situations, you need a brain that thinks clearly. Before you enter into an important conversation with your spouse, be sure you can say what you need to say in the way you need to say it in order to solve the problem.
Time may help you to calm down. You may be able to “talk yourself down” when you realize those emotions are hurting your response. Don’t be afraid to enlist a wise third party you both respect.
Emotions are important. However, out-of-control emotions overwhelm the brain, preventing it from thinking clearly. If you have an important situation to talk to your spouse about, make sure your brain is fully engaged to help you through the critical conversations.
