You are going to have disagreements in marriage. You disagree because you are different from your partner. Your opinions are different. Your personalities are different. Your backgrounds are different. Your genders are different. God made you different on purpose! It should be no surprise that these differences will lead to disagreements. You cannot avoid disagreements so you must learn to deal with them. How do you disagree and remain happily married?
Start with Paul’s command to the Ephesians to speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15) This suggestion is good for all conversations, not just within marriage. Unfortunately, it’s easy to blast your spouse with a comment that isn’t nice but you think they deserve. Immediately, the discussion ceases to be productive. On the other hand, you may err on the side of being too nice so you tiptoe around the subject saying positive things but not what needs to be said because you are afraid to discuss it or to disagree. Let’s take a closer look at these two bad options.
Fight?
Let’s start with blasting your spouse. Some people look forward to a good fight and they are emotionally ready for it. “You want a fight? Good. Let’s fight.” They are not afraid of a good fight and may even think that this is normal based on the house they grew up in. They are truthful, but not loving.
Or Flight?
More people fall into the second bad option. They are afraid of controversy and run away from the conversation. They are afraid or tense and want to avoid a confrontation. This is a way of escaping. They may be loving, but they are not truthful.
These two alternatives are opposites. One is “fight” and the other “flight.” Neither works well. As children, we tend to see only two options. As we mature, we need to consider a third option: Tell the truth in love.
You must say what needs to be said but in a kind and loving way. Another way of putting Paul’s words into 21st Century language is you need to be honest but respectful. You need to learn, then master, how to do this if you are going to have important, productive conversations. The truthful, honest thing to say is for you to state your opinion or position accurately and put it on the table for discussion even if it is controversial.
Consider two problems that could derail your effort. First, your spouse feels attacked and decides to attack you. Do not respond in kind! If they feel attacked, they will defend themselves by counter-attacking and not discuss calmly. Make the discussion safe for them. Don’t call them names or recount how many times they have failed, or point out that they have no idea how to have a pleasant disagreement. Show respect and love for them. Deal with what they’ve said the same way you want them to deal with what you’ve said.
A second problem is that the goal of the conversation may not be focused enough. What exactly do you want and what will your spouse get out of it? Are you trying to improve your marriage? Suggest that you want to talk about how to improve your marriage. Your spouse might be very interested in that conversation but have different suggestions on how to improve it. If you have a mutual goal or purpose, the discussion can be focused in a way to get to a mutually beneficial solution. Make sure your spouse is interested in the same general goal so you can talk about it productively and your spouse has an interest in the conversation. Think about what your spouse is interested in on the same general subject. Come up with ideas together so that both of you get something as a result of the conversation.
Spouses need to learn to speak to each other in an honest but kind way. They need to make a safe place for the other to share. As you learn to do this, these conversations become easier. When you stop advocating for yourself, you get to understand your spouse’s perspective—what motivates them—what ticks them off. You get to know their interests. Hopefully, you start acting on what is best for them. They see that and begin acting on what’s best for you. When that happens, you create a safe place to have a difficult discussion.
As you become more adept at emotional intimacy, you will know your differences and you might even look forward to discussions where you can come up with solutions that delight both parties without creating tension. Work toward this. You are different from your spouse. You will always have different perspectives. Don’t fight through difficult conversations or run from them. Learn to master them and grow together more deeply.
