We were in the car when Roxann told me we needed to talk.
“Everyone was coming up to me this morning and telling me how cute my hair looked short. I told them to tell you,” she said.
“Why would you do that?” I asked.
“Because I’ve worn my hair long for 40 years and you never tell me you like it, but when I cut it short, you tell me you prefer it long. That’s a lot of positive feedback I’m not getting.”
She went on: “I pay two to four times as much for the organic produce you want, but you only mention when it’s not organic. I wear the bright colors you like but you only notice when I’m not wearing a bright color.” I decided to think about her words rather than immediately correct them or comment on them.
Although her words were an exaggeration, she was substantially correct. Even worse, her perception was more important than the reality. I think she is both a good cook and dresses nicely. I am not a vegetable lover and I could easily see how my criticism of a few vegetables along with little or no approval of the rest of the meal would be discouraging. My choice of words caused her to believe something about me that wasn’t true. I almost always like her dinners and what I said and failed to say gave her an impression that did not reflect my true feelings. She wears far more clothes that I like than those I dislike, but what I said in total did not express that. I just didn’t think about complimenting her on the things I liked.
Compliment Your Wife
How easy would it be for me to look for the things I like and tell her what a great job she is doing rather than only commenting on the rare occasions when there is a problem. How good it would make her feel if I did! I wasn’t thinking. It was a blind spot to me.
While I was thinking about what she said, I noticed that I can focus on the negative in other situations as well. By telling me how she felt, it caused me to start thinking.
Men, how often are the words you say to your wife positive or complimentary?
Proverbs 12:18 says: “ . . . the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (ESV) The tongue has the opportunity to provide positive influence.
If I spent more effort thinking how I could use my words to encourage rather to criticize, I would then be focusing on what is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8) I could bring more life and healing to my wife and have a better attitude myself.
Tonight as we sat at the dinner table I said, “This is really good. I like this dish.” Hey, it wasn’t big, but it was a start. She knew exactly what I was doing, but I was honest in my praise and she appreciated it.
I hope you learn from my mistake rather than having to learn it the hard way.
This article first appeared on The Marriage Dance blog on February 15, 2017.
