How To Avoid Resentment

It’s easy for resentment to build up in a marriage.

“Doesn’t he see the trash spilling out of the can and onto the floor! Why am I always the one who has to take it out?”
“She’s making us late again!”
By the 47th occurrence, the veins stand out on your neck, your sentences become more staccato, and you’re overusing “you” in a blaming tone of voice.

Put Your Issues On The Table.

It is important to Bob to be on time. During our dating years, I was always on time. Queen of the Photo Finish maybe—but on time. Then we had a baby. I felt overwhelmed and a bit resentful. Bob was unhappy that we were late to church every single Sunday. One day he came up with one of his typically left-brained, bright ideas: Each of us should list our goals for Sunday mornings, and then we would compare lists.

Bob’s list went like this: 1) Have devotions. 2) Shower. 3) Listen to worship music. 4) Read the paper. 5) Eat breakfast.

My list said: 1) Change the baby. 2) Nurse the baby. 3) Make breakfast. 4) Dress the baby. 5) Pack the diaper bag. 6) Change the baby again. 7) Shower, if time permits. (It didn’t.)

Then we exchanged lists. To Bob’s credit, he looked them over and solemnly said, “I don’t think I’ve been carrying my share of the load.” We decided there were certain things Bob couldn’t do and certain things he could do. He couldn’t nurse the baby, but he makes a killer Cheese Omelet and he said if I didn’t complain about lack of variety, he’d make it every Sunday morning. It was the start of a long-standing tradition in our family—and of a lot less resentment. So, one way to avoid resentment is to dare to put the issue on the table where it can be talked out and worked through.

Now Negotiate.

Once both parties have expressed their desires, a second way to avoid resentment is to negotiate. One young husband wanted his wife to learn to play golf so she could play with him. She wasn’t too excited about golf but was willing to learn in exchange for her husband taking salsa lessons, which he wasn’t too excited about. They negotiated a settlement. They were able to honor each other’s desires without feeling like they were on the losing end of the decision.

Don’t Assume. Revisit The List.

What if one party repeatedly does not accomplish their side of the bargain? For example, you’ve divided up household responsibilities, but your mate repeatedly doesn’t perform one or more of his or her chores. Then what? The third strategy is to not assume they are neglecting their chore on purpose. It is entirely possible that they have forgotten. Perhaps they have gotten swamped with other things. Maybe they aren’t feeling well. Ask them: “We agreed that you would do such and such. If I notice that it is not done by a certain time, would it be okay if I remind you?” They will probably either give you permission to remind them or tell you why they haven’t been doing it—in which case you can revisit Option 1 or possibly Option 2.

Hopefully, these three practical steps will help lessen the amount of resentment you carry toward your partner. However, the bottom line is that you cannot “force someone to dance” with you. You cannot make your spouse cooperate or respond or love. Jesus tells the right way to respond in these situations: “Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother [or my spouse] sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’” (Matthew 18:21-22 NASB)

It doesn’t help you or your spouse or your marriage to carry around resentment. Discuss. Negotiate. Remind gently. And always—forgive.