In Connecting with Your Partner, Featured, Thoughts from Roxann, Time to Make Your Marriage Dance

A few months ago, I bought two strings of solar lights to use at an event that got COVID-cancelled. Rather than have them sit around the house, I thought they might look delightful on our patio. Understand that patio lights delight me. Bob is only interested in them if they can generate enough wattage to make our patio more useful. Nevertheless, he got his drill, climbed on the ladder, and installed each hook as I handed it to him.

Over the hour or so it took to put the lights up, I could feel my heart drawn to Bob. For some reason, a mundane house project was kind of sexy. My mind went back to a marriage video I’d watched, and a blog post I’d read that seemed to indicate the same thing. In the video, the pastor-teacher said that when he vacuumed the house, his wife always seemed more affectionate toward him. A husband in our marriage group refers to the gracious jobs he does for his wife as “pre-heating the oven.”

In one blog post, Ann Voskamp describes her hard-working farmer husband coming home from a long day. It’s evening and, tired herself, she is trying to get the kids bathed and to bed. As she approaches the mountain of dishes in the kitchen, she sees her husband at the sink, washing them. In her poetic manner, she describes her feelings for him: “ . . . our mattress sags in the middle. . . the springs in the center have been flattened by the sheer weight of glory. You and I and this becoming of us.”

As I watched Bob finish installing the patio lights, I asked myself what it was about that activity that drew my heart to him. It was because I knew he didn’t give a rip about the beauty of patio lights—but he knew I did. He wasn’t doing it for himself. He was doing it for me. And there’s something very sexy about that.

What is it that would delight your spouse’s heart? What can you do for them that they cannot do for themselves? What would they genuinely appreciate your help with? What would they enjoy working alongside you on?

Bob was completely surprised when I told him I thought installing patio lights was sexy. But I think he’s been looking around for other projects that show me I’m cherished.


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    Kathy Collard Miller

    Makes perfect sense to me! I experience those sexy feelings when Larry cleans out the fountain and makes it run again. He could go without the gurgling but he does it because it’s meaningful to me. Great job, Roxann!

    • Roxann Andersen
      Roxann Andersen


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