In Connecting with Your Partner, Featured, Series, The Marriage Dance Book, Time to Make Your Marriage Dance

Part 1 of a 3 Part Series

I have always enjoyed talking to Bob. One of the first things I loved about him was our ability to just sit and talk. The car was a favorite talking place—or the steps in front of my apartment—or while holding hands and taking a long walk through the neighborhood. Those were always great places to speak to each other’s hearts.

Then we got married. The busy-ness of life took over—jobs and kids and budgets and schedules. Our talks left the realm of the heart and entered the realm of the head. It took 25 years to regain—and improve on—what we had while we were dating.

Once we sought to understand what gave our spouse joy—or alarmed them—or made them withdraw, our discussions bonded us together.

We encourage you to try this method of conversation with your mate.

  1. Set aside at least 20 minutes when you will be uninterrupted—after the children are asleep or on a date night.
  2. Pray and ask God to join you in this conversation, to help you understand each other better, to love better, to bond you together at a deeper level, to ban Satan and his distractions.
  3. Allow 10 minutes for the husband to select a question and listen to his wife’s answer. Then, allow 10 minutes for the wife to select a question and listen to the husband’s answer.
  4. Remember to listen intently. Do not interrupt. Do not offer your own comments.
  5. If you have difficulty answering any of the questions, stop and ask God to show you the answer. A gentle reminder from your spouse (“Let’s take a moment and ask God to show us.”) can be very helpful. Remember to pause and listen to see if God is answering.
  6. This is NOT the time to defend yourself.
  7. Any questions you ask should be aimed at clarifying what your mate has said or drawing them out further.
  8. This is not a speed drill. Do not see how many questions you can get through. Instead, take one question and explore it deeply.

Here is a non-threatening question. We hope you will have an enjoyable time discussing it with your spouse.

Describe one of the happiest periods in our relationship. What did you like about it? What can we do to recreate those happy times?

Appendices B, C, and D in The Marriage Dance will give you many more conversation starters for speaking to your spouse’s heart. You can order a copy at

This post was originally published on The Marriage Dance blog on June 9, 2016.

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.